You know who you are, you're the one I lay in bed every night thinking about, the one I met online, and fell in love with.
Your name is Dylan, we met on an app called hot or not, you are 1,000 miles away from me, but we still connected... I thought we were meant to be, I thought you were the one... I would have, and still will do anything for you, as long as you were happy, no matter how much it killed me all that mattered was you being happy. Although we were only together for two weeks, I still loved you, I wanted to be with you at all times, you were perfect, I couldn't have asked for more.
If only distance didn't exist, if only people weren't so judgmental, why do people have to hate people like you and me, they've discouraged you so much that you left me, you don't talk to me, you don't know... You don't know what we could have turned into! It could've been doomed to end when it started, but no one can ever give anything the benefit of the doubt... And all that you had to say was that you were too busy, and people were being mean to you? Dylan... I love you. Isn't that all that matters? I tried talking to other people, but I just feel like I'm talking to you...
The last thing you ever gave me was erased last night, it was those voicemails, you know, the ones where you said you missed me when my phone died, and the one that you said you loved me, and that you wish you could hold me as close to you as possible... My friend says that it was good that they were automatically deleted, but to me, it feels like the last bit of you was ripped from me, just torn out of my hands, leaving my heart cold and abandoned...
Nobody will ever understand... You are so scared of people finding out who you are, so scared of being judged that you just stopped loving... Or did you even love me in the first place? I don't even know anymore... I just miss you when you were happy, and talked to me, before those 'people' ( i feel disgusted to even call them people) called you names, and emotionally hurt you... I know you don't want your dad to find out, but it'll be worth it... I know that when I told my dad about us, and that I loved you, and wanted a future with you... I know he blocked me from his phone and disowned me... said he hates me and is disappointed in me, but I expected that, he was a huge homophobe. But Dylan... I love you more than him... I don't care if he had money, and my little brothers, and my family... I would trade him for you any day... Please... Don't make me loose someone else I love... It's too hard...
The plans we had... I would have gone anywhere, done anything to be with you... We were going to move to California, I was going to be an architect, and you were going to be a forensic scientist... We were going to have a family, a daughter to please your mother, who desperately wanted a granddaughter, we were going to name her aurora, we were going to be happy... Forever... Together... I thought.
I still remember the letter you texted me... It's this one:
"Dear love of my life,
How are you? I am good. I'm sitting here texting you because I love you so so so so much and I know you wonder why I date you. It's because you are the first boy that I feel I've ever had a connection with. You are an amazing guy who I have fallen for and I want you to know how special you are to me! Well anyway your perf and I love ya and here's a selfie!
Sincerely, Dylan"
Sometimes I wonder if you really meant every word you said... Because it's hard to believe that you left me because of what some stupid idiotic people said to you, because I would have been stabbed everyday just to be with you... But instead I die every morning when my dream about you is over, and I die every night when our song comes on the radio... I'm dying... And I don't even have you... Dylan, I really really need you.
Things around me are just getting worse, too poor to buy new clothes, so I have to work all summer making only $20ish a week (which at least half of went to my phone bill), living with my grandpa because I'm too agitated with my uncle in my room, and that stinky cat... I can't be at my house anymore, after my sister's whole almost developed cancer thing, and my mom stressed out and depressed... Crying... And knowing I can do nothing about it, my mom can't leave him, she couldn't possibly support my uncle, my grandmother, and me and my sister on her own... I just don't know what to do... When I was with you Dylan, you made me happy, I always knew you were a phone call or a text away... Now I'm blocked from it all... You're unreachable, your best friend called me the other day, told me that I didn't need to be upset, that you still loved me but couldn't be seen with me... It killed me... Knowing that most likely we'll never talk again, you'll find someone else, and I'll be alone... Not able to understand the torture you're putting me through... Wondering if you think about me half as much as I think about you... Not knowing whether you're okay... And being forced to let you go... Into someone else's arms, give them your heart... And crush mine... But don't hesitate to find someone else... It's your heart... You can give it to anyone you want... But just know that I'll miss you... And I will never stop loving you.......... Forever and always.
I can't forget you.
~Kandon.
